someone threw a dead crab at me
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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