His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
