I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
