call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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