i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
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Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
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Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight