Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
