tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
