im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
