How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
