We won't sleep together?
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
