The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
