I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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