420 ftw
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
i think my cat just said my name.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
