Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
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Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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