I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
