The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
