Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
