Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
