This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
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