shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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