So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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