she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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