finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
