life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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