walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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