Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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