I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
