either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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