she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
