All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
