he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
