last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
