I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
