I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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