Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
