You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
His hands were made for my vagina.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
