Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
