My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
