a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
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