Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Randomize
