She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
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Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
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We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
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Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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