you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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