your thong is hanging out like whoa
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
