john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
