The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
