Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
