So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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