Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I can't put those talents on a resume
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
