Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
