You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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