I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
