I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
