I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Randomize
