I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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