and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
