I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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