i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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