OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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