Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
