3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
